Jrnywmn says it's been a while

That might be an understatement. But I know I haven't posted in a long time and I definitely have contemplated deleting this blog all together. The last time I posted I was going through a really tough time and though I know many people don't come by this page, I appreciate those who left any good wishes or kept me in their thoughts.

Right now, my life is a whirlwind as I'm finally wrapping up the end of my school year and I should just say higher education (for now at least). I'll be graduating with my MSW next month and classes and internships are over by Friday 5/4. I'm going to be working much more, but that actually feels good considering I will be getting much nicer paychecks than the ones i'm used to (working only part time). In more surprising news, i'm already 4 1/2 months pregnant with a my first child (a boy according to the doctor, though sometimes i'm still in denial lol). I'm over the hill of nausea and exhaustion, but now i have to think about working, saving money, taking time off for the baby, and then coming back to...work. However, the hardest part is that I don't know what that will mean.

One of the hardest feelings to resolve is that I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone starts their career. On the one hand, it's not true considering the fact that I have a full time offer at my internship for the fall/winter and an offer to stay on board at my current job (which was only supposed to be a paid graduate internship that they'd like to expand into something bigger???). But on the other hand, I really wanted to be looking for all types of jobs and going on interviews and being nervous about all that crap, instead of only thinking about which job will pay more, has better benefits, give me time for the baby after my pregnancy, etc. (between the two offers I just mentioned i mean). In other words, it's not really easy to look for a job when you're 6/7 months pregnant and tell a person that while you'd be the best candidate for the job (exaggerating all the skills you've accumulated in school and field), you'll need to take 2/3 months off after you start working for two months. It just doesn't garner alot of call backs, you know?

So while i'm stupidly excited to be a mother at the tender, yet divinely sexy and intelligent age of 22 (going on 23), my overly competitive ass is a little sad to see myself possibly sidelined from the 'game' that is post-graduate school job hunt. Then again they say good things come to those who wait, therefore I expect great things pretty damn soon ;-)

Just a thought

Just when you think you have it all together...the rug gets pulled out from under you. I resolve myself to believe that we don't know shit about anything that we need to know for tomorrow. Truth, knowledge, and even love are abstract and intangible and though we'll fight for it regardless, sometimes you gotta wonder if it's all really worth it.

No voy a llorar y decir que no merezco esto
porque es probable que lo merezco pero no lo quiero
por eso me voy que lastima pero adios
me despido de ti-Julieta Venegas "Me voy"

It's definitely one of those times in my life where no matter how many people I surround myself with and how many activities I jump into, I'm going to feel all alone...

Been gone for minute, now i'm back with the...

Now tag...I'm it. It's been a while since I've been on this thing and I've honestly contemplated deleting this blog because I don't feel like I have the time to give it all the energy it deserves....butttttt, that's not the point right now lol

Right now, I'm it and jrnywmn wants me to do this lol, so here goes my first response to being tagged with a meme....A love story in six words.


Strangers passionately dance into love's embrace.

I don't know a lot of people, but I tag la mala, tigera, fab mujer, bfp

now truthfully I don't expect any of them to see this lol, but nothing wrong with wishful thinking right?

This one is a long one, I know, but they're my blogs from my Myspace page and I decided to transfer them here for two reasons: 1) they reflect on a time when I did not have this blog site to turn to and definitely wish I did because I would have been able to express more and 2) Fab mujer wrote a post that I can't really explain, but you should read, it inspired me to cross post the following blogs....if there are any questions, feel free to ask (oh yeah, they start from most recent to least recent like blogspot blogs)

Saturday, December 16^th, 2006
Boy have I been neglecting this blog
Current mood: Optimistic
I just realized that i had really been neglecting this blog. I can't believe i haven't written since the end of July. So much has changed and definitely for the better. As of yesterday, I officially completed my first semester at school and I think I held it down gradeswise, but I don't know officially. I finally have a new place-just moved in at the beginning of November. It's in Harlem and I love it; near all the stores, good food, train options :) plus it's a short commute everywhere to school, work, and my internship. But of course, now that I'm midway through my year at school, I have to start thinking about the job market all over again. But I would say that this time, it's way more fun-well, maybe not fun, but not so aggravating. In a little more than 6/7 months, I'll be starting my first real job. One that I can hopefully grow in and learn how to move closer to my future goals: whatever they might be lol I guess I posted this as an encouragement really. My last three blogs were full of a lot of anxiety and frustration, but I want people to know that sometimes you need the bumps and bruises to realize what peace is. I have peace now (especially because I'm on vacation for 2 weeks) and though I know it might be fleeting, we all have to remember that life is cyclical. Thats the only way it will always be-ups and downs, but the truth is I'll take 3 downs (like the last 3 blogs) for one up (my life now) and I hope we can all be so lucky...

Wednesday, July 26^th, 2006
Getting nervous…
Current mood: frustrated
so I"m about to start classes this coming week and I should be excited, but i'm not. I"m nervous about the courseload, but more than that I'm afraid that I"m just going through the motions. I don't feel like I always want to do this program, at this school, at this time, ever...I mean granted I understand that I"m lucky to have the opportunity, but that doesn't mean it's the best one for me. I'm so confused and frustrated, I've been working for almost 2 months and the money is great, but I feel like it goes straight to cover bills that I let add up throughout my broke ass undergrad days. My best friend is moving to fucking Kentucky and I'm excited for her because it's a wonderful opportunity that she's getting, but fuck that, I'm going to miss her. i hate feeling out of control and I don't have an apartment lined up yet, money worth a damn, and few options. I thank God for what I do have cuz I'm not stupid enough to be that bitter, but I wish I could get on track and figure something out...my friends laugh and say that I'm lucky or smart or so mature, but I'm really just too OCD to not have something on my plate even if it means a whole lot of somethings I don't care about...where is this rant going? Nowhere really, just need to get it off my chest before I scream...

Tuesday, May 30^th, 2006
I’m feeling some kind of way
Current mood: contemplative
Been a long time since I last wrote. College career officially done, feels fake, but my job search proves that it's very real. You would think NYC would provide all these opportunities, but it's actually been quite difficult to find a job because I need a part time to be able to go to school in the fall. I need this to be over already, the whole school thing. I'm only doing it to try to have some financial stability later, but it sucks when I don't even have money to buy a couple of cute summer shirts and I'm still rocking some KSwiss' from more than two years ago. They say the sacrifice is worth it...can't wait for that ship to pull in.

Wednesday, April 12^th, 2006
I got 99 problems, but grad school ain't one
Current mood: contemplative
Life is oh so confusing. I just got into *o*u*i* University last week-advanced standing MSW program. It's exciting, but it's making me confront a lot of issues that I've been running away from also. I won't give you the oh my God, college is almost over, I don't know what to do rant because it's deeper than that. But it's also too personal to discuss in this medium. At this point, I really just need to concentrate on finishing up these last assignments of my undergrad career. But if you know me, then you know that I can never just focus on any one thing, but alas too much rambling, let me really go to bed and clear my mind if at least for a few hours. Good night all!

End of the semester

So of course I've been celebrating being done with half of my graduate school experience for the past two days. Needless to say, I'm hungover and tired, but have plans to be out and about tonight also :) It seems amazing that I'm almost done with schooling forever (debatable-i want another advanced degree later). I'm thisclose to finding a real job and it's scary. I'm no stranger to work, i've worked through high school, college, and now grad school. But at the same time, I know this is different. I need to be ultra picky about future job prospects because i'll be making quite a commitment to whatever agency/organization i wind up in. It's not like working part time and going to school full time, and interning somewhere. It's 40 hrs (or more) of the same 'drudgery' though i'm trying to aim for something different. I've been looking at different job postings and organization websites and I guess the reason why this process feels so draining is that there's so much to think about. Do i want a small agency where everyone's in your business, do i want a large organization where you don't know the person in the next office? Non profit because it's a 'good, moral' decision or borderline corporation that will give you a nice benefit package and make getting an advanced degree worthwhile? Do I (possibly) take a pay cut and work at a Latino organization because Latina(o) issues are my passion? or delve into the criminal justice system because I care about that too and it tends to have very 'reputable' positions and networks? Most importantly, I ask myself, why can't I just worry about getting a job I love? It makes me frustrated to realize over and over again, that for better or for worse, money is what makes the world go around. The road is not paved with good intentions, the road is paved with the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of those being paid low wages. The road is paid for by those with deep pockets and the rounding up of millions of taxpayers hard earned money. The road might be walked by those with good intentions, but it certainly wasn't paved.

Secret Santa sucks

so it's that time of year of course, when people are overwhelmed whether it's because of the pressure of spending money over the holidays, or writing papers at the last minute, like me and Journey to enlightenment , or worrying about what to get someone as their Secret Santa...especially when they don't really know you're alive, oh wait, that might just be my own situation.

I'm in all three of those categories, so life for me sucks a little bit, not too much, but just enough for me to continuously dream about drowning or suffocating all night long last night. nice, isn't it? Anyhoo, i'm supposed to buy a Secret Santa gift by tomorrow, under $20, which thankfully isn't the problem. The problem is that it's almost 9:30 pm and i still haven't bought him anything. The other aspect is that when I asked around to see what his interests are, the answers were: cigarettes, alcohol, and Banana Republic. Hmmm, I don't support smoking, I just can't, my father was just diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder this year, and I'm more anti-cigarette smoke than i was before. my informant mentioned that I probably shouldn't support this person's drinking habits (i'm thinking someone is more than a social drinker), so that option is out. Banana Republic-besides the fact that I hate that store personally, I really can't buy him something from there. Besides the fact that the name itself leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of its connection to imperialism-Banana republic - Wikipedia explains , when i tried to order something on line anyway being nice...yeah, a scarf is about $35. I'm sorry buddy, but I don't even know you like that, you don't even talk to me, and i'm worrying about what i'm going to get you, worrying about if i should spend $35 on you, how about hell the fuck no. frankly, i usually like Secret Santa time, but i realize it only works if you have the slight possibility of knowing the person you might get, otherwise, you're running around like an idiot at the last minute or you just buy something that really sucks and will probably be mocked...maybe i'm exaggerating, oh well, i'm in one of those moods I guess...

either way, I gotta figure something out, and i really don't want this to spoil my holiday mood, wish me luck...

Connected

I definitely feel like i've been neglecting my blog and even though i know there' s no one out there holding their breath waiting for me to post, I still feel like i've been falling off.


however, i am pleased to formally announce that I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME NOW...it feels just as good to type it in all caps as it does to scream it out loud. Therefore, without further ado/adue/adeau (i have no idea how to spell it, but you get the drift i hope lol), i will be posting more frequently....hopefully as frequent as tomorrow :)

goodnight and God speed blog world

I saw him
And I wasn’t ready
Busy taking mental notes, conveniently detached
Sorrowful, yet safe
I saw him
I close my eyes
I see him
My soul took a picture it won’t discard
He never saw me, never saw us, never saw it coming
They say he’s 14
His face reads 9
His handcuffs make him a man
Late 20’s, burned out, beaten, and betrayed
I can still see him
Through him
To him
But I’ll never know him
I see his present, his future, see his past
He can’t see me, so close, reaching out with my soul
An empty gesture of sympathy
A burning desire to rescue
A powerlessness only topped by…
His
He can’t see me, can’t see peace, can’t see freedom
So close to him
Breathing down his neck
Enough to torture
Enough to numb
He sees tears,
The boy in him crying for his momma
The man in him wiping them away
Knowing
Not thinking
But knowing
There’s no use
Not here, not now, probably not ever…
And who am I to argue?
The spectator
Observing from the warm chair of detachment,
Who has known pain, fear, and violence
Who has known how to hide it, deny it, reframe it, rephrase it
Minimize it
Minimize it
Minimize it
Minimize it
Til it died…
It’s all a game of survival, getting our bumps and bruises
Some more so than others
But then again who can compare absence
Dearth
Death
Yeah, I saw him
Hell, I see him
Through him
To him
Through me
To me
I called to him
Tried to warn him
My soul cried sooo that I thought I would explode
The pain
The rage
The same
“Run beautiful boy, run, you have to get out of here,
because they hate you
aim to kill you
aim to destroy kill that light
that fire
that soul that will not die
that rises each day
even when the sun shines for someone else
when the rain knows your ache and cries with you
when the cold has to remind you with each piercing blow
that you are alive,
don’t let them kill you
not yet
not like this
you have to live
love
grow
learn….
Learn that you are more than this
Learn that you are stronger than this
Braver than this
I know you are TiReD of this…”
But why can’t he hear me?
Already beaten and burned far beyond his years
Already numbing
hiding
denying
re framing
re phrasing
minimizing
I see him
But he won’t see me
I saw him
But he never saw me
I see him
Through him
To him
Through me
To me
And the difference between us is virtually

Unknown….

the criminal INjustice System

People sometimes wonder why or how anyone could fear the police. "they're there to protect you; they just want to make society safe; their hearts are in the right place" And then I look at my client who is about 50 years old and speaks no English, who's chronically sick with two diseases I won't name for confidentiality reasons, who shows me bruise after disgusting bruise on his body after being incarcerated for a weekend. His charged sin-possibly attacking a police officer, his real sin-being monolingual in a non-dominant language, being brown, being poor and welfare dependant, living in a 'bad' neighborhood, you name them, he's probably guilty... as I read his charges, i want to scream, I want to scream because I know those who have sworn to serve and protect, will only serve you an ass whipping and protect their societal investments in whatever way they see fit, i know that this man who has no record and is smaller than I am (I'm 5'4), could no sooner whoop a police officer's ass than could he fly. I know that his injuries are thankfully non-threatening, but have scarred his sense of safety, trust, and calm, I know that he is embarassed each and every time he has to tell this story and share his wounds, I know that he is angry and scared, I know that he wants and needs justice, I know he will likely not get it--and I know he won't be the last...

Testing, testing, 1,2,3

so, i started this blog more than 2 weeks ago, i believe, and while I had a purpose for its beginning, I am reminded everytime I sign in (and by my best friend http://www.journey2enlightenment.blogspot.com/), that I have yet to post...anything. So now, let's start from the beginning...

if you read the running description under the blog name, you get a little of what this about: who's Latina like me, what does that mean, and does it even matter? I should probably clarify what I mean by that. It's not that my intention is to find out who is just like me, personally or culturally, it is the closer to the opposite. I'm an avid reader (when I can fit it between grad school, interning, and working) who is sometimes puzzled by what appears to be a lack of latina voices in literature. Those that exist are quite powerful, make no mistake about it, but when I'm scanning the B&N aisles, I feel like we're (collective we) are missing in print. So part of me wants to find those voices who are perhaps, not missing, but 'elsewhere', not mainstream, not 'relevant' to everyone else's (everyone being the almighty gringo(a)s life, and thus, invalid. The other part wants to figure out how to combine various readings and voices in a way that I feel represents my life and its struggles. How to combine Almost a Woman by Esmeralda Santiago with Killing Rage by bell hooks with The Latino Wave by Jorge Ramos in a way that makes me understand why I am so...angry or frustrated or disappointed or a word I don't even know just yet. Whatever the word is, it would explain how I feel as an intern in a public defenders office in nyc watching the system hash and rehash the beautiful black and brown people that make New York what it is, that represent its true spirit, that enhance its portrayal of the ultimate place to be/live/work, and yet ultimately mirror the greater system's hatred of our refusal to just DIE.

my intention was to start this blog by posting some of my spoken word on those types of feelings, unresolved emotions, or experiences, you know, and seeing how that goes...but as I searched every inch of my place for my notebook, i realized that I'd lost it forever as a result of a car theft a couple of months ago, as I tried my hardest not to cry, I felt as if I had lost my personal words and feelings, words and feelings that were so hard to put on paper as it is, and yet could so easily be removed...

I remember one of those writings was on words that appear to be frozen from one language to another (in this case, English to Spanish), not that they ceased to exist; they were just incapable of reproduction because I couldn't remember a Spanish phrase...I guess I would say I feel like that right now, even as I type...those words and feelings do not cease to exist, they are just temporarily incapable of reproduction...I could try to remember them, but a vague memory of these writings wouldn't do them justice, what I felt at those moments, I can't pretend to feel now, but maybe this will be the motivation to try again....


so, yeah, all of this, is why I wanted to start a blog...