It's Not a Date

At least that's what I keep telling myself. It's a reunion of sorts. Hi guy who broke my heart. How are you today? How has life been since we stopped sleeping with each other? Please keep it superficial. I don't want any indication that you've moved on...not ready for that just yet.

This meeting is for closure. Did you get that memo? This is the day where we reminisce on good times, skim over what went wrong, and talk about how we're glad that we can be friends. After all, we got to know alot about each other and it would be a shame to let that go to waste. Except that I still want to love you...

Excuse me? Oh no, I didn't mean to say that out loud. I was just thinking to myself that I don't want to be your friend because I wanted to love you. It seems impossible to look at you as a friend because wouldn't that mean that eventually we would hang out and scope singles together. You used to hold me. I can't forget that. You used to kiss me. I don't want to forget that. Maybe this was a bad idea. I'm having trouble maintaining eye contact. You said my eyes were always honest. Don't look now. They'll tell you how hard this is.

I know it's over. It's been over for a while. That's what today is about remember...sealing the ending. But why are we really here? Who won't let it go? And more importantly, why not? Oh, I bought you something for your recent accomplishment. That's right, so it's me. But you wouldn't let me give it to you when it was right in my hands three weeks ago. So it's you. I mean that means you wanted to see me again, right? Why? I think we're both as confused outside of this relationship as we were in it. I mean you canceled our reunion once and i canceled twice. (I always like to one-up people that make me feel vulnerable) I think tomorrow we'll do it...end i mean. Officially.

I agreed to this? That was a bad idea. I'm nauseous now-how am I supposed to go to work afterwards? You're a guy, you'll swallow once and reset the program. You're probably not even nervous now. Shit, why did you agree to this? I've always been a glutton for melodrama...let me find out we're more similar than i thought. Better yet, don't let me find that out. I'm working on reasons to forget about you, not give you another little piece of my heart (now baby)...

Maybe you'll cancel tomorrow. Maybe we'll get another few days to pretend whatever we're pretending until it's real. Maybe we'll be grown ups and get it over with. There's a part of me that's done enough mourning to feel like I'm ready to move on. The woman in me that can acknowledge that that which is not healthy has no place in my life. But the other part of me, the one that can only focus on getting that "old thing back"-well she understands Third Eye Blind:

"I want to get myself back in again/the soft dive of oblivion/i want to taste the salt of your skin/the soft dive of oblivion/oblivion"

Oblivion never sounded so beautiful as it does tonight. But I know I'm not a fool and we have to do this, so guy just remember to stay superficial. Do it for me.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave

you see that and the other ticker on here reads "Hooray, I've arrived"-yeah that's a lie because I have a nine pound (plus) baby in my uterus who seems to have no desire to evacuate the premises. Now, I've had different talks with him:

Encouraging: "Hey baby, it's not so bad out here. There's alot of people who want to see you and spoil you and buy you stuff-plus you might be the future president or something"
Humorous: "Please come now because the new season of Grey's starts tomorrow and I don't want to miss it".
Combative: "Give me my body back...right now or i'm going to leave you in there forever..."
Pleading: "Please get out, you'll like me and daddy, I promise"

None work-he's stubborn like his parents (who knew???). And granted most first babies are late, but everyone said I was so active there was no way I would make it to my due date let alone afterwards, but alas they were wrong. An truthfully it wouldn't be so bad if he weren't so f*cking huge lol I was expecting an 8 pound baby plus some ounces-i was 8 and some ounces, my boyfriend was almost 9-but yesterday he was 9 pounds and 3 ounces and i'm not supposed to be induced until Monday night. He could gain half a pound in that time-9.9 gadzooks, no vagina could/should be able to do that. Yet, I don't want a C-section because I'm scared of it, the post-surgical pain, the horror stories. On the plus side, no pain of pushing big ass babies out of my cooch, buttttttttt still scary as are most major surgeries. I've read up on C-sections so that I'm not caught off guard in case that is the option presented to me, but it's hard because my mom had one C-section and 4 natural births and she says the C-section was by far her worst birthing experience. I try to tell myself that everyone's body is different and her recuperation could have just been worse. I also say that her C-section was 15 years ago and that's got to make a difference in procedure, but people seem to love to tell you all the horrible things that could happen...right before it might happen to you. Humans are soooo nice to each other aren't they?

So, here are my fears mixed in with a couple of tears and I wish I had a better last post before giving birth, but I doubt I'll be on this again until my baby makes an appearance. Wish me luck people

or send me money

or both

just kidding

kind of ;-)

Peace and God's blessings to all.

Always,
Anacaona