Because it matters

Why is it so hard to write again? When does a passion become a task? Excuses can be plentiful: "oh between work & mommying, i'm just so busy", "i'm tired after doing x, y, & z", "I don't know what to write about". Blah, blah, blah-but why lie about something that you care so much about?

I love writing-I've always loved writing. I didn't understand why it was so important to me-didn't get where I got this from (do you get it from somewhere at all?)-all I knew was that my whole life, moments, thoughts, and feelings transferred from the inside walls of my head to a paper or a screen. And in that moment all was well with the world. It was peaceful, it was redemptive, it was me. But these past few months have been so very chaotic for me, so painful, so turbulent that i questioned my reality on a daily basis, questioned my passion as self-indulgent even. And I outlined these moments in so many papers & posts that somehow never made it anywhere that anyone else could see. And as I write this, I think get why. I think i get past the excuses and towards reasons0. Whenever something painful makes it to paper, makes into indelible words, makes contact with another person, it's real. Reality doesn't bite because it "hurts", reality bites because its undoable. Because you could kick, scream, cry, or laugh and it would never undo the truth. The truth can inspire greatness, can trigger love, can beg for redemption, but it has to scar first. It has to carve reality into your soul, into the inner spaces that no one else sees, into the rooms of your brain that you sometimes have to stifle to get through your day.

My truth is that I loved a man who never loved me, but convinced me he did & manipulated accordingly. I loved a man that made me question my own truth everyday and I was never strong enough to do different, to move differently. And I don't want to waste this space on how that happens, on details that ultimately don't matter, or on voyeuristic pictures of anguish that still celebrate his place in my life. This space is for my writing. This space is to reclaim the truth, inspire a paradigm shift if you will. A space to remember that some of the lessons we learn sting, some burn, and some threaten to break us...but ultimately, we rise like a flower in the concrete jungle & despite all odds, we remain beautiful.

In reclaiming your life, one has to review all that was lost. Mourning occurs, anger flairs, more mistakes are made, but eventually there is redemption. And that space recaptures all that was yours, not shared, not borrowed, not pretended. Writing was mine, is mine, and will be mine. And it will not be done to prove anything to anyone or inspire legions to do the same. I will write because I can, because I want to, and because it matters.

Siempre,
Anacaona

Bad Girls Club: Season 3 Finale

This should be posted up on Combinationsfollow.com, but in case for some reason it doesn't make the bar I'm posting it here. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do what I want...if you enjoy, please visit me occasionally over at the link above. If you don't, well stick around here and I'll talk about breaks ups, being a single mom, and why i hate ignorant people, deal?

Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot Doot-This is the Amber Show. Hi, this is Amber and this is Amber and this is the Amber Show...and if you recognize this line at all then you too have been wasting your life Tuesday nights at 10pm for the last 10 weeks or so.

Now for those of you who don't know (or are too ashamed to admit if you do), The Bad Girls Club is a trusty little gem of a reality TV show on the Oxygen channel's weekly line up. Now what else is on Oxygen's line up, I wouldn't be able to tell you, but they seem to have a winner with this one. The Bad Girls Club, in its 3rd season and moving quickly towards a 4th, is really a show about some girls who fight too much, f*ck too much, and probably have no friends in real life because if they did they would not be ALLOWED to come on TV and perform as the imbeciles they appear to be. The recipe is a classic mix that doesn't seem to need any changes at this point: Take

1. 7 women with personality problems (aka Bad Girls) that want to be on TV
   
2. Put them in a beautiful house with no supervision or rules
3. Tell them that they are here to do better with their lives (don't explain what this means or assist in the process)
4. At night, escort them to every bar and club in LA while paying for all drinks
5. Install a vending machine full of sex toys (a Season 3 addition that was waaaaaay overdue)
6. Sit back and watch as the girls break down into cliques/crews {not unlike every major stage of a woman's life anyway...think about it...Kindergarten-Death, you gotta have a crew}. And when the girls aren't screwing random men they meet at the club, or the beach, or the front door...
   

• Enjoy the miscellaneous fighting over:

1. The simple: Ex. Juice (Season 2: Tanesha vs. Jennavecia)
2. The complicated: Ex. Respect (Season 1: Ty vs. Aimee)
3. And the Unintelligible: Ex. Being too drunk to notice escalating anger (Season 3: Amber M. aka Cookie vs. Most of the Fab Five)

How could you avoid such entertainment? What are "the others" watching at this time, really? Judge me all you want, but sometimes you have to sit and watch girls attempt to kick the sh*t out of each other over nonsense. Why? Because you secretly want to kick the sh*t out of a bunch of people you interact with on a day to day basis. You just don't because you need your job, it's not the right thing to do, you might actually get your ass kicked if you tried, etc. But in the meantime, as the original theme song stated, "Love me or hate me, I'm still an obsession".

Now truthfully the Season Finale went as expected...

• The girls cried "I've never had girl friends before and now I have all these girls in my life"
  
• Talked about how much they'd grown "10 weeks ago I would have cut you up and thrown you in the pool for that comment",
  
• Discussed how they were going to miss each other "F*ck you, you dumb b*tch, you need Jesus". Really??? Can you advise someone to look to a higher being after dropping the F* bomb? Maybe, that's all you can say to de-escalate such a situation...
• Took inappropriate pictures of themselves (for old time's sake) and destroyed the house (cause they're not paying for the damage)
  
• And last, but not least, what happened in Cancun, did not stay in Cancun as it was revealed that one of the cast members who had been refraining from sleeping with a male on the show, totally screwed a random guy in a pool in Mexico....ehh, you win some you lose some I suppose.

So in the end, what do we get from our gem? In a nutshell, don't sleep with random men, don't fight with your girlfriends over things that don't matter, and don't talk about your friends behind their backs...if you're being followed around by cameras 24/7. Otherwise, it's all fair game!!!

Anyway, I'll be back next week taking a look at another winner from the VH1 network, Tough Love...in the words of the Bad Girls,

See ya Bitches!!!

Peering Back In

I know I've been missing for well over a year and frankly most people wouldn't believe half the reasons for the absence. But what is most important now is that I've decided to come back-I'm going to be double posting for anyone who actually cares or passes through lol. I am going to be here with personal/social commentary and blogging from time to time on Combinationsfollow.com I will be reviewing Reality TV shows because if I waste my life watching them, I might as well practice my writing and review them.

I feel more than pleased to get back on the Blog horse--

Amor y Paz en abundancia,

Anacaona