Facing the boogeyman

Today is my first day of unemployment-in some ways a blessing, in other ways a soon to be burden. I'm going to enjoy daytime TV again (because I've missed a whole lot these past few years), but in what I'll call two and a half paychecks a.k.a. a month or so, I will wonder whether it is worth it to keep my cable on.

It wouldn't feel so bad if I were on maternity leave
It wouldn't feel so bad if I were coming back to my old position in December
or a new one
that pays more
and garners slightly (just slightly) more respect ;-)
It wouldn't feel so bad if my old Exec. Director didn't create a new job for a white, male colleague of mine
who's been at my job...maybe 4 months...
whose day to day responsibilities are less than mine...
who has no proven experience in the area he will now enter...

THE BOSS says that my friend,
"seems to get along with everyone, is a schmoozer, reminds me of myself as a young man, and is basically charming as fuck". He was disappointed that he hadn't gotten to know him better in his time here (4 whole months maaaaaaaybe)-I guess my boss forgot that he doesn't know me either.

After all, I've only been there for over a year (15 months to be exact). I'm only one of two Latino(a) people in the organization. I only have breasts and a vagina (nice breasts too, but even that doesn't count). I can count the amount of times I've talked to the Head Honcho and the majority of them were during pregnancy and about? You guessed it-pregnancy. Because otherwise what would we talk about? The work that I do? What I want from my career? What I could provide our organization? Nonsense-I'm a pregnant Puerto Rican female...

with a master's degree at 23
who has worked since twelve (unofficially) and officially since 15
and was the first in her family to graduate from high school let alone graduate from undergrad and graduate school

*Tooot fucking Toooot* Yeah that's my horn-I toot it myself for all the white men who'll never toot it

who won't know I have a horn
let alone how nice it really is
who won't ask
and won't care
but will promote men "just like them" who are factually less qualified than I am for positions

I spoke to Jrnywmn and TS about this and initially didn't blame my friend for taking a more lucrative position he KNEW he wasn't qualified for (how do I know he knew? because he came in to talk to me to discuss why this promotion made no sense and how he didn't understand where it was coming from). Now, I do blame him. Because being complacent in unjust actions is wrong-Deep down inside one has to know there is something fishy going on when of all people, the one young white male who just started working in an organization (his first office job ever mind you) gets the promotion of a lifetime over any other woman (young and old), any other male (minority), and older staff. One might argue he would provide a fresh perspective-I would argue bullshit. What makes a perspective fresh? Under 6 months of experience? White male existence-because we know that's universal...

Hell, I also blame myself for not being more direct with my 'friend', but the truth is I've never stared white male privilege in the face like that before. It's like the boogey man, el Cuco, the thing you swear you can hear while you're sleeping in the dark, but can't honestly say you've ever seen.

and I'm angry
I'm disappointed
I'm hurt
I'm embarrassed

Because I don't want his job, it's not my interest per se-yet there is no way the Head Honcho would have known that. So he just didn't ask, didn't offer, didn't care and instead possibly set off a new current-a new trajectory for a young man who is nice enough, but doesn't deserve the big break yet.

I guess at least I won't miss the hypocritical emails about how "our organization" is dedicated to diversity and finding ways to increase it. I think we can continue to promote the 4/5 minorities we have (less than 10% of staff) into various positions after yearssssssss of stellar performance of course (much more than 4 months). We can create research groups to analyze, research, and study how race, ethnicity, and gender impact "our work" (this currently exists). And we can track the demographics of our applicants to make sure we're being 'fair' when we hire the white guy or the white woman instead of the ethnic other. But we'll continue to miss analyzing ourselves
our staff
our hierarchy
our leadership
those with the most power
who create the most harm
and don't even notice it in the process

Some call it reality
I say
You can keep that shit...

I guess it was only a matter of time

before someone said, "if it wasn't for your situation, you'd be perfect for this job". By situation, he means pregnancy, by perfect he means...not pregnant, by he i mean late middle age, white, wealthy man who has never feared missing an opportunity because of maternity leave. Based on technicalities, I can't say he's wrong, it is hard to begin a job and then leave one for a couple of months, but I really, really, really didn't want to have anyone say anything remotely close to "you can't have this job because you're pregnant", especially when he says afterwards, "i mean, it has nothing to do with anything substantive because I've only heard excellent things about you" (in my part time work for the organization he means). I don't regret getting pregnant, i'm actually quite excited, and a little more focused than usual interestingly enough, but I guess as all (or most) first time mothers, I just didn't anticipate certain things. Maybe my timing wasn't as good as I had initially thought, but I didn't want to just start a job and then get pregnant and I didn't want to wait two more years or something, so as Katt Williams would say, "I made a pimp decision".

But honestly i feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, my current part time job was really only a contract position scheduled to end July 1st, which would have been perfect if not for my, what did he call it? Situation. Yeah. And my boss would like me to stay on for another year, but there has to be funding (which may or may not exist) and the truth is i'm not so sure it's what i want to do for another year and i don't want to settle just because i have a child. Children don't cripple your career trajectory, they just force you to be quite the salesman, convincing people you are worth a certain position, salary, rain showers of praise, etc. But i'm a social worker, not a salesman, and sometimes i'm tired of the pitch...

Jrnywmn says it's been a while

That might be an understatement. But I know I haven't posted in a long time and I definitely have contemplated deleting this blog all together. The last time I posted I was going through a really tough time and though I know many people don't come by this page, I appreciate those who left any good wishes or kept me in their thoughts.

Right now, my life is a whirlwind as I'm finally wrapping up the end of my school year and I should just say higher education (for now at least). I'll be graduating with my MSW next month and classes and internships are over by Friday 5/4. I'm going to be working much more, but that actually feels good considering I will be getting much nicer paychecks than the ones i'm used to (working only part time). In more surprising news, i'm already 4 1/2 months pregnant with a my first child (a boy according to the doctor, though sometimes i'm still in denial lol). I'm over the hill of nausea and exhaustion, but now i have to think about working, saving money, taking time off for the baby, and then coming back to...work. However, the hardest part is that I don't know what that will mean.

One of the hardest feelings to resolve is that I feel like I'm being left behind while everyone starts their career. On the one hand, it's not true considering the fact that I have a full time offer at my internship for the fall/winter and an offer to stay on board at my current job (which was only supposed to be a paid graduate internship that they'd like to expand into something bigger???). But on the other hand, I really wanted to be looking for all types of jobs and going on interviews and being nervous about all that crap, instead of only thinking about which job will pay more, has better benefits, give me time for the baby after my pregnancy, etc. (between the two offers I just mentioned i mean). In other words, it's not really easy to look for a job when you're 6/7 months pregnant and tell a person that while you'd be the best candidate for the job (exaggerating all the skills you've accumulated in school and field), you'll need to take 2/3 months off after you start working for two months. It just doesn't garner alot of call backs, you know?

So while i'm stupidly excited to be a mother at the tender, yet divinely sexy and intelligent age of 22 (going on 23), my overly competitive ass is a little sad to see myself possibly sidelined from the 'game' that is post-graduate school job hunt. Then again they say good things come to those who wait, therefore I expect great things pretty damn soon ;-)

End of the semester

So of course I've been celebrating being done with half of my graduate school experience for the past two days. Needless to say, I'm hungover and tired, but have plans to be out and about tonight also :) It seems amazing that I'm almost done with schooling forever (debatable-i want another advanced degree later). I'm thisclose to finding a real job and it's scary. I'm no stranger to work, i've worked through high school, college, and now grad school. But at the same time, I know this is different. I need to be ultra picky about future job prospects because i'll be making quite a commitment to whatever agency/organization i wind up in. It's not like working part time and going to school full time, and interning somewhere. It's 40 hrs (or more) of the same 'drudgery' though i'm trying to aim for something different. I've been looking at different job postings and organization websites and I guess the reason why this process feels so draining is that there's so much to think about. Do i want a small agency where everyone's in your business, do i want a large organization where you don't know the person in the next office? Non profit because it's a 'good, moral' decision or borderline corporation that will give you a nice benefit package and make getting an advanced degree worthwhile? Do I (possibly) take a pay cut and work at a Latino organization because Latina(o) issues are my passion? or delve into the criminal justice system because I care about that too and it tends to have very 'reputable' positions and networks? Most importantly, I ask myself, why can't I just worry about getting a job I love? It makes me frustrated to realize over and over again, that for better or for worse, money is what makes the world go around. The road is not paved with good intentions, the road is paved with the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of those being paid low wages. The road is paid for by those with deep pockets and the rounding up of millions of taxpayers hard earned money. The road might be walked by those with good intentions, but it certainly wasn't paved.