The Vagina

Pre and Post Delivery my mom said, "People don't realize how physically traumatizing delivery can be on a vagina".

Truer words have never been said. And as I live day by day, mommying a beautiful, newborn boy, I sometimes forget that I'm also healing a hurt and vulnerable vagina. And while I would love to write a beautiful, flowing post on how I have taken my old vagina for granted and am slowly getting acquainted with my new vagina (who's a good sport too) but not my old vagina, I must feed the beast, i mean the baby, who loves to nurse at his mom's oh so friggin huge breasts quite often lol. So I say this for my vagina for now,

Vagina if you were a person, capable of silly wants and desires and frustrations, here is what I would give to you:

a hug
chocolate ice cream with strawberries
a massage with yummy smelling oils
a shopping spree
a new book
and time to read it
the job you want
leisure time you enjoy
riveting conversation
passionate sex
an orgasm
an orgasm
and
an orgasm

....or maybe that's just for me...

***shouts to sonnets for making me come back***

:-)

Last blog of the night promise

I couldn't help it, as Sonnets mentioned and Jrny_wmn proves blog quizzes can be addicting. Funny enough this one is quite accurate and I think I needed a light post after the last two.

You Are a Life Blogger!

Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary. If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

Should I just call this the Pregnancy Chronicles???

Partially kidding there, but I really wanted to get another post in before June was over, but noooo can't stick to that deadline can I? nope, well i have a pending post that I promise to do sometime this week on *$#@(#!%--haha, it's a secret lol...forgive the rambling, but

PLUS+ EQUALS=

THIRD TRIMESTER (yeah, my belly is growing faster than a cockroach infestation and my hair looks a little like that, but darker and much longer-thanks hormones!)

anyway, so i'm a little frazzled, but i'm trying to maintain the "i am so cute, you almost don't notice i'm pregnant, except that i'm getting huge" look, you know skip maternity clothes and use normal clothes in an extra large and lots of dresses and cotton capris...until later, may the peace be with you all--


and me, especially at night when I have to pee for the 335th time :-)

Being the oldest

is not easy at all.

I'm not going to pretend that i wasn't a parentified child in every sense of the word, from sharing in adult responsibilities to being a disciplinarian to being a mediator between my parents (which is quite dysfunctional-i think we could all agree). I think it happens when you're the oldest and your mother is only barely 16 years older than you. I used to joke around and say that my mom and I grew up together, but the sad part is that it's not really a joke, nor is it a lie. My mom and I grew up together, maybe in some ways, this was good. I learned to be quite independent, yet family oriented, a multi tasker, yet focused. And in some ways, it was bad, I was supposed to be a little girl, not a small adult and when it came time to go to college, the transition was harder because I thought i was doing something wrong, not because I would just miss my family like most people. I thought i was disappointing everyone, even when i knew they were proud, but who was going to make sure mom and dad's fights weren't too outrageous? Who was going to make sure my sisters weren't dating boys that were scuzz buckets? Were my brothers ever doing their hw or had the play station sucked their brains out? What if we couldn't pay the light...again? No meat, for a month? Would my sisters chip in for bills and groceries? Not what I wanted to think about starting my college freshmen year, yet I wouldn't change the experience if I could. It's me or at least it was.

For a few years now, I've slowly but surely broken out of that mold, slowly, but surely, given my family back to its rightful leaders (as flawed and as beautiful as they may be)-my parents. My mom even eventually told me that she didn't realize how much i did for my family and how much more she needed to do as a mother until i went to school and she realized that my siblings wanted to talk to me more than her. Mind you, my mother is a beautiful person, who i can honestly say was never part of my abusive past, actively at least. But she just has her flaws as we all do and so i appreciated this admission more than words could say. I think that conversation helped my transition along, though I realize today it's not quite over.

My younger sister (i have two after me and then two brothers-we are 22, 19, 18, 14, and 10)-so the 19 year old (who will be 20 in October) has decided to join the Navy. That's right, drop out of college where she was studying education and then biomolecular sciences, and then became undecided has signed up to be a 'sailor chick'. I could try to find the right terms, but it doesn't really matter in the context. She told me of this decision about two weeks ago and boy, did i blow my top for a million and one reasons. Funny enough, it was not long before i realized that out of everyone in my family, i was once again, angrier, more frustrated, and confused than anyone else. Everyone else had their concerns (or not), but no one seemed to be taking it as badly. And then my boyfriend, who alternates between being my wise, perfect other half to being someone i could potentially go to jail for killing (mildly kidding), simply said to me, "Maybe this is exactly what your sister needs, you don't know, you don't know everything, some people might think your life choices are stupid and you still make them".

And i lost all the air in my argument...just like that...gone. And funny enough, when she told me today that she had taken her physical already, I simply said, "Are you sure this is what you want to do?" and when she told me yes, I just supported her. I reiterated my concerns, but listened to her thoughts and let her know that I was proud of her and supported her. We'll see how this goes, but I'll just say that it's not just my sis who's growing up, I am too, and I feel better about it.

This one is a long one, I know, but they're my blogs from my Myspace page and I decided to transfer them here for two reasons: 1) they reflect on a time when I did not have this blog site to turn to and definitely wish I did because I would have been able to express more and 2) Fab mujer wrote a post that I can't really explain, but you should read, it inspired me to cross post the following blogs....if there are any questions, feel free to ask (oh yeah, they start from most recent to least recent like blogspot blogs)

Saturday, December 16^th, 2006
Boy have I been neglecting this blog
Current mood: Optimistic
I just realized that i had really been neglecting this blog. I can't believe i haven't written since the end of July. So much has changed and definitely for the better. As of yesterday, I officially completed my first semester at school and I think I held it down gradeswise, but I don't know officially. I finally have a new place-just moved in at the beginning of November. It's in Harlem and I love it; near all the stores, good food, train options :) plus it's a short commute everywhere to school, work, and my internship. But of course, now that I'm midway through my year at school, I have to start thinking about the job market all over again. But I would say that this time, it's way more fun-well, maybe not fun, but not so aggravating. In a little more than 6/7 months, I'll be starting my first real job. One that I can hopefully grow in and learn how to move closer to my future goals: whatever they might be lol I guess I posted this as an encouragement really. My last three blogs were full of a lot of anxiety and frustration, but I want people to know that sometimes you need the bumps and bruises to realize what peace is. I have peace now (especially because I'm on vacation for 2 weeks) and though I know it might be fleeting, we all have to remember that life is cyclical. Thats the only way it will always be-ups and downs, but the truth is I'll take 3 downs (like the last 3 blogs) for one up (my life now) and I hope we can all be so lucky...

Wednesday, July 26^th, 2006
Getting nervous…
Current mood: frustrated
so I"m about to start classes this coming week and I should be excited, but i'm not. I"m nervous about the courseload, but more than that I'm afraid that I"m just going through the motions. I don't feel like I always want to do this program, at this school, at this time, ever...I mean granted I understand that I"m lucky to have the opportunity, but that doesn't mean it's the best one for me. I'm so confused and frustrated, I've been working for almost 2 months and the money is great, but I feel like it goes straight to cover bills that I let add up throughout my broke ass undergrad days. My best friend is moving to fucking Kentucky and I'm excited for her because it's a wonderful opportunity that she's getting, but fuck that, I'm going to miss her. i hate feeling out of control and I don't have an apartment lined up yet, money worth a damn, and few options. I thank God for what I do have cuz I'm not stupid enough to be that bitter, but I wish I could get on track and figure something out...my friends laugh and say that I'm lucky or smart or so mature, but I'm really just too OCD to not have something on my plate even if it means a whole lot of somethings I don't care about...where is this rant going? Nowhere really, just need to get it off my chest before I scream...

Tuesday, May 30^th, 2006
I’m feeling some kind of way
Current mood: contemplative
Been a long time since I last wrote. College career officially done, feels fake, but my job search proves that it's very real. You would think NYC would provide all these opportunities, but it's actually been quite difficult to find a job because I need a part time to be able to go to school in the fall. I need this to be over already, the whole school thing. I'm only doing it to try to have some financial stability later, but it sucks when I don't even have money to buy a couple of cute summer shirts and I'm still rocking some KSwiss' from more than two years ago. They say the sacrifice is worth it...can't wait for that ship to pull in.

Wednesday, April 12^th, 2006
I got 99 problems, but grad school ain't one
Current mood: contemplative
Life is oh so confusing. I just got into *o*u*i* University last week-advanced standing MSW program. It's exciting, but it's making me confront a lot of issues that I've been running away from also. I won't give you the oh my God, college is almost over, I don't know what to do rant because it's deeper than that. But it's also too personal to discuss in this medium. At this point, I really just need to concentrate on finishing up these last assignments of my undergrad career. But if you know me, then you know that I can never just focus on any one thing, but alas too much rambling, let me really go to bed and clear my mind if at least for a few hours. Good night all!