I have a midterm due tomorrow, perhaps, the last midterm I'll ever have to write, hand in, and forget about. I say perhaps because I plan to get a doctorate degree one day (at this point far, far away-i'm glad to be done with grad school at the end of the month) and i'm not sure how that works exactly. Call me a proud first generation higher education consumer...
Anyway, the real problem is I can't write it-I want to because I'm actually interested in the class and I enjoy the topic. Every class meeting, I enjoy the discussions, new information, challenging questions, so on and so forth...but as I sit in front of the computer, I'm blanking out. I don't want to do it, I don't care to do it, but I also get this obnoxious anxiety that I can't. A good friend of mine (and seasoned mom of two) says that pregnancy can affect concentration, memory, etc. and it's nice to know I'm not just losing my normally intelligent mind permanently, but...Sometimes it just feels like so much, pregnancy, everything feels like so much. This morning I cried in the shower because my back hurt so much and my boyfriend is usually really good at massages, but he was asleep and I was just so angry that he was asleep and angry that my back hurt and any other emotion that could have piled on just did.
Frustration
Anxiety
Anger
Hurt
One on top of the other and I just cried and lied in the warm bath touching my stomach wanting to scream and tantrum and whatever else...
and my baby moved
over and over again
and I cried some more
because it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever experienced
And i guess part of me felt guilty for being tired of being pregnant, but I think I also felt like my little man (it's a boy) wanted me to know that it's okay to be tired, it's okay to cry, and that it'll be worth it soon (very soon if you notice my pregnancy ticker from the previous post). And the truth is, I'm still scared, and I'm still frustrated sometimes, and when my back doesn't hurt it's my legs or my feet, but I'm going to be a mom to a real live boy who will have feelings, and thoughts, and desires and shit that makes the crying a little more bearable and the midterm feel like the least of my worries...
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5 comments:
BINGO! By George, I think shes got it!! :) Love ya mucho!!!
:)
sending you much love and healing vibes....sooo excited for your upcoming bundle of joy
mujer -- this entry brought me back to the days I was very pregnant and had frequent spurts of what you illustrate; getting me all teary eyed. You're going through a major, beautiful, life altering transition in your life and all of the feelings you have are your way of making sense of it all.
Writing and speaking about your experience, imo is a must, we shouldn't go about this alone as much as possible. Thank you for sharing your stories.
We've already discussed this over the phone already, and you're gonna be a great mom!
but I also tagged you
http://journey2enlightenment.blogspot.com/2007/06/8-things-about-me.html
journy, you're so funny, tagging everybody all over the place!!! :p
I agree, this is such a beautiful post--so real. It brought back so many days of my pregnancies--I miss being pregnant every once in a while--usually when i read stuff like this.
take care of yourself woman. everybody knows you deserve it!!!
:-)
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