"You can't disappoint me because I don't love you"

Such a simple, direct pronouncement by one of the main characters in We Were the Mulvaneys (Joyce Carol Oates, 1996) and the character, Marianne, meant it with everything she had. There was no love lost, no hard feelings, nothing, just a matter of fact. So true that she didn't even say it to the other character, Marianne simply thought it to herself and externally laughed softly. When I read it, I thought it was perfect, another good line in a good book.

Unfortunately, I can say now from experience that it's not true. People that you don't love can disappoint you and I don't know that it will always hurt less than disappointment from someone you love. Perhaps there's more patience when someone you love does it, yes maybe the initial anger and sadness is stronger, but eventually you let it go because you love them. Not so much for someone you don't love. In my last post, I talked about trying to create a relationship with my real father (aka the sperm donor). I've promised myself that I wouldn't push too hard, I would let it ebb and flow any way it wants. So i've called a couple of times and he's called a couple of times. Not too shabby I'd say. Anyway, my birthday was this past Friday (yes I'm officially 23 and hotter than ever as one guy said to me today, "You are a beautiful pregnant woman, you sure are." I knew that already but random reassurance is nice sometimes lol)...ANYWAY, getting back to the point, my "F" called the Thursday before and said, "I know your birthday is tomorrow and I was thinking maybe we can get together on Sunday before I go to work". I was not expecting the call or the invitation, but I received both happily. We agreed to meet Sunday around 6 or 7 in Manhattan for dinner. He told me to call on Saturday to finalize plans, location, exact time, etc. So I did, got the voicemail left a message...and did it again around 4:30 or so today. And, well I got stood up--

And more than stood up, i got disappointed and I don't love him. I got disappointed and not in a way that happens when your friend cancels plans at the last minute, but disappointed in the way that happens when you tried to pretend that you didn't care about said 'date', yet went to do your eyebrows and got your hair done, and even put on a new outfit, why??? Because it did mean that much, because part of you was willing to take all anxiety and suck it up to face your 'maker' (not to be confused with your Maker-spiritual being who created you lol), because no matter what would have been said on that date, you wanted him to walk away thinking "she is amazing and I suck for having missed out on her life all these years". Because you can pretend that you don't care that he was around, but you did, even if it was just a little, because it left confusion in your heart and mind that you didn't even talk to anyone about for YEARS. Because you wonder...every so once in a while...what life would have been like with him-good, bad, ugly or indifferent.

In his defense, he finally called around 8pm, but I refused to answer the call and instead made plans with a friend (who also knew about the 'date') to go out for an appetizer and some ice cream. He rambled for a minute and a half and for those of you who have ever left and/or received a voicemail, a minute and a half is a loooong message. He explained that he worked later than usual, fell asleep, so on and so forth, apologized profusely and asked to reschedule with another day. It made me feel better to know that I hadn't been totally blown off, but at the same time I"m still disappointed. Part of me wants to call him and say, "You don't have many opportunities to screw up, you're 0 for 23 already", part of me wants to say, "Go to hell cuz I can't add emotional instability to my life, I'm fucking pregnant and imbalanced already!" and part of me wants to honestly say, "Dude, there may not be much you can do that will not disappoint me, so you might as well start now". There's truth in all of them and illogical thought processes too. I know that I will give him another chance, but I can't bring myself to call him, not tonight, maybe not tomorrow and if he asks if I was upset, I will say yes, because I'm not the lying or pretending type. But I will give him another chance and I'll know that it's possible that he will disappoint me...

and I don't even love him.

P.S. *shouts to UNO's and Cold Stone Creamery for eventually making it a good Sunday night for me :-)*