NOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

I'm officially done with grad school...that's right, last month was a fluke seeing as how I still had to complete a summer class. But, alas, that summer class is over as of 5 and a half hours ago. Final paper handed in-CHECK! Final presentation done-CHECK!! No more pencils, no more books, no more security guards dirty looks (i went to a white washed Ivy League, it happens lol)-CHECK!!!

Anyway, so yeah probably sometime this weekend I will freak out as I realize that I am that much closer to adulthood, am expecting a baby, and may or may not have a new job, apartment, wardrobe ;-), but that will be then and this is

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

Apartment Hunting

I'm trying to find a new apartment that's bigger and cheaper than my current one. I know, in New York City, nearly impossible, but only nearly and that's the hope I hold on to. But apartment hunting in New York is like being selected as a juror for a high profile case. What do you do? How much do you make? Who will live there? When was the last time you called your grandmother? Do you have allergies? How do you feel about strawberries? Can you make a deposit of one of your kidneys? Now, it makes sense to a certain degree, there are people who move into apartments knowing they can't pay rent and eviction is a long process. But as social worker, I also know this is such a small minority that such presumptions in an application process are actually quite unnecessary.

Then again as a recent graduate, I also know that such presumptions can be the difference between moving into a new place by August 1st or continuing to pay an arm and a leg in an apartment that didn't ask so many questions (it is really nice, pretty big, close to transportation and stores, BUT immensely expensive). I'm a recent graduate, you want to see my W-2 forms you say-that's fine, they say I made $13, 000 last year. Why? Oh, because I was in school dickwad, I could only work but so much in addition to classes and a 21 hour internship. Do you make over 40k? Not yet. Why not? Oh, because I was in school dickwad, and since I just graduated I'm in the process of transitioning from a decent paying part time job to a more decent paying full time job. Do you have a co-signor that makes over 80k? No way-*Chuckle, chuckle* Why not? Oh, because I was in school dickwad, but most of my family has not. Nor were they in school much in high school and therefore they have lived most of their lives busting their asses for wages that really don't match all the work, sweat, and tears they put into the system. Any more questions???

Last pet peeve in apartment hunting-looking at ads that are listed as "by owner only" (therefore intimating no brokers and no brokers fee) and having to talk through a 'middle man or woman' who somehow needs to be paid a month of rent in order to help you. Is this not similar to a broker? Is this not a dishonest practice? Should I not curse them out and send them to hell when I feel that I have been deceived? Just some questions I would like answers to.

But, alas, thus is the struggle of the New York City apartment hunter and I'll keep you posted on my progress, but if anyone has any suggestions or leads as to where I should be looking, I'm open to hearing them...

I'm it again

As usual, I've fallen behind on posting, but since I was tagged by JourneyWmn, I have a good reason to 'get back on the saddle' ;-)

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people; then visits those people’s sites and comments, letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

1. I absolutely love to read, but can't seem to finish a book these days.
2. I'm the oldest of five and I love it.
3. I am excited to be a mom soon even though it gives me crazy amounts of anxiety lol
4. I'm scared that I won't lose my baby weight, even though I haven't gained that much (I wasn't skinny before lol)
5. I want to work in the fields of human sexuality and culture, but I don't know what that means.
6. Sometimes, I think I'll never find a job that really moves me.
7. My two favorite stores are Barnes and Noble and Victoria's Secret...and I'm okay with that lol
8. I cherish my family, fiance, and my friends, which means, I will kill for them (semi kidding)

(and if I can add a #9-I always find these meme(s) to be so damn hard to fill out-must be overthinking them, lol, i hope)
Who do I tag? I don't really know 8 other people lol and the ones I do know have already been tagged, so whoever sees this can do it :)

Late night thoughts

I have a midterm due tomorrow, perhaps, the last midterm I'll ever have to write, hand in, and forget about. I say perhaps because I plan to get a doctorate degree one day (at this point far, far away-i'm glad to be done with grad school at the end of the month) and i'm not sure how that works exactly. Call me a proud first generation higher education consumer...

Anyway, the real problem is I can't write it-I want to because I'm actually interested in the class and I enjoy the topic. Every class meeting, I enjoy the discussions, new information, challenging questions, so on and so forth...but as I sit in front of the computer, I'm blanking out. I don't want to do it, I don't care to do it, but I also get this obnoxious anxiety that I can't. A good friend of mine (and seasoned mom of two) says that pregnancy can affect concentration, memory, etc. and it's nice to know I'm not just losing my normally intelligent mind permanently, but...Sometimes it just feels like so much, pregnancy, everything feels like so much. This morning I cried in the shower because my back hurt so much and my boyfriend is usually really good at massages, but he was asleep and I was just so angry that he was asleep and angry that my back hurt and any other emotion that could have piled on just did.

Frustration
Anxiety
Anger
Hurt
One on top of the other and I just cried and lied in the warm bath touching my stomach wanting to scream and tantrum and whatever else...
and my baby moved
over and over again
and I cried some more
because it was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever experienced

And i guess part of me felt guilty for being tired of being pregnant, but I think I also felt like my little man (it's a boy) wanted me to know that it's okay to be tired, it's okay to cry, and that it'll be worth it soon (very soon if you notice my pregnancy ticker from the previous post). And the truth is, I'm still scared, and I'm still frustrated sometimes, and when my back doesn't hurt it's my legs or my feet, but I'm going to be a mom to a real live boy who will have feelings, and thoughts, and desires and shit that makes the crying a little more bearable and the midterm feel like the least of my worries...