This one is a long one, I know, but they're my blogs from my Myspace page and I decided to transfer them here for two reasons: 1) they reflect on a time when I did not have this blog site to turn to and definitely wish I did because I would have been able to express more and 2) Fab mujer wrote a post that I can't really explain, but you should read, it inspired me to cross post the following blogs....if there are any questions, feel free to ask (oh yeah, they start from most recent to least recent like blogspot blogs)

Saturday, December 16^th, 2006
Boy have I been neglecting this blog
Current mood: Optimistic
I just realized that i had really been neglecting this blog. I can't believe i haven't written since the end of July. So much has changed and definitely for the better. As of yesterday, I officially completed my first semester at school and I think I held it down gradeswise, but I don't know officially. I finally have a new place-just moved in at the beginning of November. It's in Harlem and I love it; near all the stores, good food, train options :) plus it's a short commute everywhere to school, work, and my internship. But of course, now that I'm midway through my year at school, I have to start thinking about the job market all over again. But I would say that this time, it's way more fun-well, maybe not fun, but not so aggravating. In a little more than 6/7 months, I'll be starting my first real job. One that I can hopefully grow in and learn how to move closer to my future goals: whatever they might be lol I guess I posted this as an encouragement really. My last three blogs were full of a lot of anxiety and frustration, but I want people to know that sometimes you need the bumps and bruises to realize what peace is. I have peace now (especially because I'm on vacation for 2 weeks) and though I know it might be fleeting, we all have to remember that life is cyclical. Thats the only way it will always be-ups and downs, but the truth is I'll take 3 downs (like the last 3 blogs) for one up (my life now) and I hope we can all be so lucky...

Wednesday, July 26^th, 2006
Getting nervous…
Current mood: frustrated
so I"m about to start classes this coming week and I should be excited, but i'm not. I"m nervous about the courseload, but more than that I'm afraid that I"m just going through the motions. I don't feel like I always want to do this program, at this school, at this time, ever...I mean granted I understand that I"m lucky to have the opportunity, but that doesn't mean it's the best one for me. I'm so confused and frustrated, I've been working for almost 2 months and the money is great, but I feel like it goes straight to cover bills that I let add up throughout my broke ass undergrad days. My best friend is moving to fucking Kentucky and I'm excited for her because it's a wonderful opportunity that she's getting, but fuck that, I'm going to miss her. i hate feeling out of control and I don't have an apartment lined up yet, money worth a damn, and few options. I thank God for what I do have cuz I'm not stupid enough to be that bitter, but I wish I could get on track and figure something out...my friends laugh and say that I'm lucky or smart or so mature, but I'm really just too OCD to not have something on my plate even if it means a whole lot of somethings I don't care about...where is this rant going? Nowhere really, just need to get it off my chest before I scream...

Tuesday, May 30^th, 2006
I’m feeling some kind of way
Current mood: contemplative
Been a long time since I last wrote. College career officially done, feels fake, but my job search proves that it's very real. You would think NYC would provide all these opportunities, but it's actually been quite difficult to find a job because I need a part time to be able to go to school in the fall. I need this to be over already, the whole school thing. I'm only doing it to try to have some financial stability later, but it sucks when I don't even have money to buy a couple of cute summer shirts and I'm still rocking some KSwiss' from more than two years ago. They say the sacrifice is worth it...can't wait for that ship to pull in.

Wednesday, April 12^th, 2006
I got 99 problems, but grad school ain't one
Current mood: contemplative
Life is oh so confusing. I just got into *o*u*i* University last week-advanced standing MSW program. It's exciting, but it's making me confront a lot of issues that I've been running away from also. I won't give you the oh my God, college is almost over, I don't know what to do rant because it's deeper than that. But it's also too personal to discuss in this medium. At this point, I really just need to concentrate on finishing up these last assignments of my undergrad career. But if you know me, then you know that I can never just focus on any one thing, but alas too much rambling, let me really go to bed and clear my mind if at least for a few hours. Good night all!

End of the semester

So of course I've been celebrating being done with half of my graduate school experience for the past two days. Needless to say, I'm hungover and tired, but have plans to be out and about tonight also :) It seems amazing that I'm almost done with schooling forever (debatable-i want another advanced degree later). I'm thisclose to finding a real job and it's scary. I'm no stranger to work, i've worked through high school, college, and now grad school. But at the same time, I know this is different. I need to be ultra picky about future job prospects because i'll be making quite a commitment to whatever agency/organization i wind up in. It's not like working part time and going to school full time, and interning somewhere. It's 40 hrs (or more) of the same 'drudgery' though i'm trying to aim for something different. I've been looking at different job postings and organization websites and I guess the reason why this process feels so draining is that there's so much to think about. Do i want a small agency where everyone's in your business, do i want a large organization where you don't know the person in the next office? Non profit because it's a 'good, moral' decision or borderline corporation that will give you a nice benefit package and make getting an advanced degree worthwhile? Do I (possibly) take a pay cut and work at a Latino organization because Latina(o) issues are my passion? or delve into the criminal justice system because I care about that too and it tends to have very 'reputable' positions and networks? Most importantly, I ask myself, why can't I just worry about getting a job I love? It makes me frustrated to realize over and over again, that for better or for worse, money is what makes the world go around. The road is not paved with good intentions, the road is paved with the hard work, blood, sweat, and tears of those being paid low wages. The road is paid for by those with deep pockets and the rounding up of millions of taxpayers hard earned money. The road might be walked by those with good intentions, but it certainly wasn't paved.

Secret Santa sucks

so it's that time of year of course, when people are overwhelmed whether it's because of the pressure of spending money over the holidays, or writing papers at the last minute, like me and Journey to enlightenment , or worrying about what to get someone as their Secret Santa...especially when they don't really know you're alive, oh wait, that might just be my own situation.

I'm in all three of those categories, so life for me sucks a little bit, not too much, but just enough for me to continuously dream about drowning or suffocating all night long last night. nice, isn't it? Anyhoo, i'm supposed to buy a Secret Santa gift by tomorrow, under $20, which thankfully isn't the problem. The problem is that it's almost 9:30 pm and i still haven't bought him anything. The other aspect is that when I asked around to see what his interests are, the answers were: cigarettes, alcohol, and Banana Republic. Hmmm, I don't support smoking, I just can't, my father was just diagnosed with Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder this year, and I'm more anti-cigarette smoke than i was before. my informant mentioned that I probably shouldn't support this person's drinking habits (i'm thinking someone is more than a social drinker), so that option is out. Banana Republic-besides the fact that I hate that store personally, I really can't buy him something from there. Besides the fact that the name itself leaves a bad taste in my mouth because of its connection to imperialism-Banana republic - Wikipedia explains , when i tried to order something on line anyway being nice...yeah, a scarf is about $35. I'm sorry buddy, but I don't even know you like that, you don't even talk to me, and i'm worrying about what i'm going to get you, worrying about if i should spend $35 on you, how about hell the fuck no. frankly, i usually like Secret Santa time, but i realize it only works if you have the slight possibility of knowing the person you might get, otherwise, you're running around like an idiot at the last minute or you just buy something that really sucks and will probably be mocked...maybe i'm exaggerating, oh well, i'm in one of those moods I guess...

either way, I gotta figure something out, and i really don't want this to spoil my holiday mood, wish me luck...

Connected

I definitely feel like i've been neglecting my blog and even though i know there' s no one out there holding their breath waiting for me to post, I still feel like i've been falling off.


however, i am pleased to formally announce that I HAVE INTERNET AT HOME NOW...it feels just as good to type it in all caps as it does to scream it out loud. Therefore, without further ado/adue/adeau (i have no idea how to spell it, but you get the drift i hope lol), i will be posting more frequently....hopefully as frequent as tomorrow :)

goodnight and God speed blog world