Guilty pleasures and not so pleasurable guilt

okay, I don't know how to say this
it's kind of embarrassing
I should not be so excited
and I won't really be able to explain it

BUT--

JLo *cough cough* I mean Jennifer Lopez (Anthony?) is preggers!!!!

now I really hope this is not a rumor and I don't necessarily consider InTouch Weekly the most credible source, but let's entertain the possibilities here for a very pregnant woman's sake :-)

As I've told Jrnywmn, I don't know what it is about JLo-she's not everything I've always wanted to be, but she's everything that it might have been cool to be. Come on, let's put the possible criticisms on the shelf, and delve into the guilty pleasures of it all--

She's Puerto Rican

• So we've got a major player in Hollywood-score one point for me

She's from the Bronx

• I grew up in Brooklyn and I live in the Bronx now

She wasn't from a really dangerous part and had a house

• I eventually moved to CT at 12-people tease me about that, but I'm from Do or Die Bed-Stuy so shut up lol

She can't sing, but obviously loves to and refuses to let it go

• Same here, it's just that no one cares about me hehe

She can act...if the character is Latina

• Who's to say that this isn't true for a white actor? Can Julia Roberts be Puerto Rican? I mean not the stereotype, but be a believable Puerto Rican in general? Remember Marisa Tomei as a Cuban woman in that The Perez Family *this is me puking* Why should JLo have to learn to play the universal white so convincingly? Think about it...just think about it.

She can dance her ass off

• ...I'm just jealous...

Her husband is Marc Anthony

• Not a cute man at all in my book, but he can sing so f*cking beautifully that I would be willing to sleep with him with the lights off so long as he sings "Se me sigue olvidando" the whole time...any pauses and it's over though...
  

Okay-anyway moving on, so the article says that she's about 12 weeks pregnant and it might be twins because she'd been in treatment trying to have children for a few years. If this is true, I'm uberexcited for her because it brings reality to the fact that procreation is not so f*cking automatic for many women. For a person who is struggling to have a family, the stress and anxiety can weigh heavy on a woman and her partner. I have friends who've tried everything to have a child and were crushed by miscarriages, failed treatments, and false alarms and with my own pregnancy I've learned that little in life can be taken for granted.

Some parts of me wish that Jennifer had discussed her attempts to have children because I think it could be uplifting and empowering for many women who feel less than because of their struggles. At the same time, I know how private these matters can be so I definitely don't fault her for not feeling the need to be the fertility spokesperson on this. I wonder though just how many women of color struggle with fertility issues and whether we have any place to really discuss these things. In between the negative stereotypes of our 'fruitful' procreation and the (sometimes more disastrous) "positive" stereotypes as natural mothers and matriarchs, where do woc discuss the anxiety, the stress, the pain, and frustration related to family planning in every sense of the word? Do we stay secluded throughout the struggle until we are 'successful' in whatever we were striving for? Do we continue to whisper our concerns and fears only when we know the other person is experiencing the same things?

I find that even though my pregnancy has not been a high risk one and did not come after years of fertility issues, I do remember testing positive for Group B Strep not understanding what it was, being afraid of what it meant, and more importantly being embarrassed because I thought I had done something wrong. Group B strep is not like strep throat, it can be found in the intestine, vagina, and/or rectum and can harm the baby if it passes along to the child during labor. How could I share something like that? My bacteria was in my vagina-did it mean I was dirty? (NO-there's no correlation between cleanliness and this bacteria) Was I a bad pregnant woman? (NO) Could I have avoided this? (NO-I was probably a carrier of the bacteria for years, but it won't make me sick, just a baby in the birthing process) Was my baby going to be okay? (Well, the bugger is still in my uterus, but according to all accounts he should be fine if i receive antibiotic treatments during labor and he gets them directly shortly after) Either way, I realize there are people that I consider close friends who I still didn't reveal this information to even when I was taking three amoxicillins a day. Even armed with information and first hand accounts from women who'd experienced the same thing, I remained embarrassed.

But why whisper? Who are we hiding from? What are we hiding from?

Whether it's about fertility issues, birth control, STD's, sexuality, abusive relationships (physical and non-physical), funky things like Group B strep-I'm tired of whispering. Tired of looking for the others in the dark who are probably tired of looking for others in the dark. I want to find them. I want them to find each other. I hope they want to find me.

I want to stop whispering...